went to watch ndp 2006 preview wif hubby dearx. Hehe... cool cool. We got couple tee~~~~ altho is red...haha. i wan white white white....but oh well...nvm =P have dearx can alrdy. haha.
so sweet to be able to be wif dearx for the whole day durin wkend.... hehe... cz is alw work and stress over sales on sat. keke. can hug dearx all day. lol
freaking pissed wif blogspot few days ago. blogged so much le... then when i posted the entry, encountered an error.... wht i get in the end is an empty entry. duhz~ hmph hmph. stupid blogspot. so much for technology and the ease of bloggin wif technology. blah.
choosing of module elective closing tmr. hope i made the rite choice tis time. well.... anyway, i made alot of wrong choices in my life, which explains why i'm stuck in tis sch... tis place..tis world. urgh. shall not tok abt it. haha
gg for chalet wif dearx soon~~~~ woohoo~~~~~ hols comin~~~~~~~
Finally free today to do some soulful pondering and to sort out my thoughts.
Past: I guess i still haven forget him. Is it because of the hurt and the pain that makes it difficult to forget? Recently, find that many things often trigger bouts of memories of the past. alw would be reminded of the happy times tgt... budden those sadness alw comes in and spoil the whole picture. I guess we are juz not meant to be. No matter how sentimental i may be, wht's the pt when the luv is not there? True... maybe he's still in me...but does he appreciate me? After all tt i've done? Wht's the pt of brooding over it?
Present: Yupz...i have a loving dearx and i luv my dearx. hehe. muack. the past is still hurtful, and i'm still very afraid of many things. it's because i'm too afraid that i'm afraid of hurting tis rs... and tt's wht will jeopardise tis rs. confusing? haha. I guess sometimes it's not alw gd to tink so much. Take a step at a time. Right now, i'll treasure wht i have -> dearx~ Muackies
Future: everyth abt the future seems so bleak, be it my own personal future or the future of tis rs. I learnt that everyth can b so fragile and changeable in tis world. Nothing is absolute. Wht abt the future? who can assure a bright future, be it in studies, work or love life? Homo sapiens alw tok abt 'forever' and 'eternity'...but wht is forever and eternity when we are living WITH time? Time is not forever or eternity... there's a limit and a deadline. Irony eh?
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Haiz....i feel tt i let alot of ppl down in my life. Not juz people, but i've let down my passion, my gift...
why?? The toils of life, the passing of time and procrastination are just excuse. I realise the truth is, I'm doubting myself. I doubt i can achieve great works, i doubt my abilities, i doubt my passion... altho the once fiery passion has subsided greatly, but i can literally feel it calling out to me, asking mi why did i abandon it, asking me to rekindle the flame again. I noe i may sound eerie/emo/pessimistic/crazy or whteva-u-call-it.... yes, in life there r bound to be regrets. I'm regretting a hell lot now, but it doesn't mean all is lost rite?
i forgot whr i heard frm... but it still lingers in my mind: any gift or abilities given but not used...will eventually become useless. I suppose i'm useless now...or going to be.
Time time time...there's alw not enuff time! Why why why! Argh!
Finally I am back from my genting trip and it really being awhile that I have not being blogging. Actually it seems that a lot of thing happen over the last few days and week. But from my vision it seems everything is so fast and quick.
I dun know where I should start writing about my personal life in this tiny area. But it seems like hing are running out of their ways. While in genting I felt the whole idea of going there was a flop. Real flop. I once again question myself why am I there? During the whole 3 days 2 nite trip I was so confuse on what is happening and trying to act crazy with the people there. On the first day when I was at genting there was a talk right after dinner from 7pm to 12am. I was like WTF. On 2nd days right after breakfast once again another talk. In this 2nd talk I question myself why I was at genting? Since I always so smart keke. I found the answer is I am here to see genting how it was like feel the air and etc. So I turn to my right talk to winnie and say hey I am walking out of ths room now! She was a little shock on my action. without knowing what to say. Then next I stand up and walk out of the room and stay exploring and taking picture of genting. haha. I kept skipping their talk from there onwards as my vision is to visit genting and not talking any talk. Anyway I also feel that life with friend and without friends don't make a lot different. In fact over the last couple of years, I understanding that close friend aren't the type of thing I am looking for. I am looking for best freind type. Those can always listen to you and treat u first in the line type. Asking too much I know that. But I always set high standards towards friendship haha Tat why I always turn face with ppl because I know they can't meet my standard and why keep them when u know u can find fault with them. So is always like tat. Still I am in the state of confuse lah but with dearz around always forget what happen and enjoy the time with her. Lately we go buy small bottle and start taking photo. Cheers Dearz thanks for the help before and after my genting trip. U are the best MUACK!
the paradox of love occurs when two becomes one but yet remain as two.
Haiz. Guess tis blog v long din update...cobwebs growing le.
3 words to describe my feelings now: Moody, depressed, upset. Moody because i feel like everyth is so hopeless; depressed because i feel that sales line is a fucked up job. People will try means n ways to do u in when u do well in ur sales. Upset because i feel that no one is able to understand or at least be supportive of me.
1st it was philips, now it's enzer. Wht's wrong wif me working? So wht if i'm able to promote my stuff well and my stocks can go? All i'm trying to do is earn a little bit of commission ah. I try so hard to earn those peanuts commission, and yet gotta endure all tis stupid n ridiculous jealousy frm ppl? Juz because I can sell well?
Then does it mean tt one goes arnd pouring acid on ppl's face juz because one feel that the person is prettier than u? DUHZ~
I feel so alone. So wht if i sae out how i feel? Does he understand my feelings? Does he noe tt i feel like crying and have alrdy cried over such matters that make mi feel wei qu?
For awhile I tht we were on cloud nine - everyth so sweet and nice. It's as if even if the sky falls down we oso dun care (u noe tt kinda feeling). But today i suddenly feel so alone. so insecure. I can see that he's v sianx during breaktime loh. Sian of my constant ramblings which he feel is common or sian because he feel tt i'm a troublemaker?
Why izit tt cancerians alw wanna appear strong on the outside but are in fact so vulnerable n weak inside? It's not tt i wanna create trouble, I juz dun wan ppl to take advantage of mi or bully mi. I'm terribly sick of it. Simply because no one is there to protect or shield mi. I'm all on my own. Wht can i do?
It's not tt i dun get his point of view, is juz tt i find that wht he says is implying tt i'm being childish, like a kid throwing tantrums. I'M NOT! I noe i'm hopelessly trying to defend myself everytime ppl make things diffc for mi, but at least i'm trying. I'm juz desperately trying to find tt sense of security - the feeling of being protected and being safe.
I guess tis is the 1st time i cried during work. So depressed n upset after breaktime, realli feel like can cry anytime. No mood for anyth oso...until i cooled down abit ltr on. Y izit tt whteva i do, ppl alw dun appreciate, unsupportive n wanna try ways to discourage mi?
I tht he will b able to hear mi out and understand how i feel. But wht he says and his facial expression realli dampens my spirit. It's as if the tables r turned and I'm the one provoking enzer. For goodness sake, I dun even speak to enzer, dun even mention a smile. True, maybe he's realli jealous, but rite now, I'm the victim. I'm the innocent. Y izit like everyone's on enzer's side and doing nothing to support mi? Why why why? It's ENZER'S fault in the first place. Just because they feel tt he's a violent person or hot tempered, then juz sweep things under carpet? Now how old alrdy still wan play such childish game of hiding stuff. Worse than a 5 yr old.
I guess the one thing dearx mentioned before that is lacking in tis rs....to mi, i feel is the sense of security. I noe libra very peaceful creature n dun like fight. But y izit tt i alw feel so alone when such incidents happen?
I'm not an aggressive person at all. But when such incidents happen, and i feel so alone with no sense of security, wht u expect mi to do? Of cz i need to show tt i'm not one to b trifled with rite? Cant be i let ppl step all over my head ah.
Wht's the prob? Communication? The gap b/w us tt prevents us frm understanding each other? The inability to put ourselves in each other's shoes?
Haiz. I guess time will have the ans to the problem.
Whoa...lots to update.
So sweet of dearx to celebrate my bday wif mi. Hehe...spent alot of time on the gifts. Muacks. Thx alot dearx. Luv u loads~
Well, libra= romantic and charming rite? *wink wink* keke. Huggies.
Din expect dearx to spent so much time and effort for my bday lah. Haha. The stamps r a realli nice surprise. Lolx. Realli sth money cant get bah =D Muack muack.
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Alot of stuff to do ah....but so little time. Sadded. Not enuff slp not enuff slp! Slp alw not enuff! Doushite? Nanda yo? Haiz.
*doushite :(jap) wht's wrong
nanda yo :(jap) why
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Time to start working on my Professional Profiling le. Haha...Borrowed books frm library, but up till now haven even finish half of a book. Omg~! Lotsa planning to do wor. *nods*
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Stress stress stress. Sem 1 of yr 2 gg to end le. Which means: gpa out soon! Overall module grade out soon! Change of cls soon! Need to choose elective soon! No more wed off soon! OMG!!! So means for sem 2, i'll have NO rest! 5 days = study study study. wkends = work work work. OMG~!
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Dear Dearx DearX, we gg to b tgt for 2 mths le~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehe... v slow leh...feel like we tgt for very long le, maybe bcz of the frequent dates bah. Keke.
Tinking back...everyth feels like yesterday. Hehe. Muacks. Luv u dearx ^^
~IRASSHAIMASEN~
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